"All the world is queer save thee and me and even thou art a little queer'"

I was last minute shopping at Target on Christmas Eve. My ingenious gift plan: buy my step dad some thermal socks. He snowblows the pavement, it's cold outside, feet get cold - why not get him super socks? Practical. Something you may not get for yourself. Well done, Kelly, great idea! Bravo!

At Target, I could not find thermal socks. Wool socks, nylon socks, cotton socks - where were the thermal socks? By the shovels? I saw a man stocking underwear. Surely, he would know all about socks.

And he did know about socks, and so, so much more.

K: Excuse me, do you know where the thermal socks are?

Man: THERMAL SOCKS? Well let me tell you, I had a woman ask me about thermal socks two days ago, and I know we used to have thermal socks, but we don't have 'em this year. I don't know why we don't have them. Follow me.

We revisit the sock aisle, so he can scan the socks and confirm what he found out two days ago.
M: No thermal socks. Nope. But you know what? You could probably get some wool socks; those are pretty thick. What did you want them for?

K: I want to give them to my step dad for when he shovels (suddenly shoveling is somehow more honorable than the truth - snowblowing - and I want to impress this stranger with my step dad's old fashioned work ethic). It's cold out there!...you know?...all that shoveling out in the cold... (please read with lame enthusiasm)

M: This isn't cold.

And here's where I know I'm not leaving the store for at least another 45 minutes. The following is a crude summary. I can't remember everything, and I certainly can't begin to convey the manic gusto with which he delivered his monologue.

M: I was in the Korean War, before your parents were even born! The temperatures there would be way below freezing. There were no thermal socks! And they issued us leather boots...do you know what happens when you get leather wet!?

K: It shrinks?

M: It shrinks! Men lost their feet in those shoes. This isn't cold! And the summers. The burning hot summers 105, 110 degrees. You'd get thirsty and so dry out there. Before we'd enter the desert, we'd pick up a pebble from the ground, clean it off, and put it in our mouths. You do that and you'll never get thirsty! Two days I didn't drink water. And I was fine, didn't even want it! They tell you to drink water now, everyone is tellin' you to drink water, but you know what? (grabs my jacket cuffs) You don't need it. You don't need to drink that much water. I never drink water. I don't drink coffee or pop either. I don't drink juice. I drink milk! I drive the boys in the store room crazy 'cuz I can do more push-ups than them. And I only have one kidney. I only eat twice a day, too. Three meals a day, they say. Three squares a day. I only need two.

K: Wow, which one do you skip?

M:(pauses a beat) Breakfast.

This "conversation" goes on for a bit longer, in the sock aisle. The sock aisle is very small by the way. It's really more of a sock island interrupting the sea of men's pajamas. Here's some "highlights":
- In the army they make you turn your brown leather boots black, but they don't tell you how to do it. The trick is matches.
- Something about the war in Iraq.
- Woman don't belong in combat.
- His daughter works with him.

Eventually, I shake his hand, thank him for his service (in the war and in Target) and head off in the opposite direction of whatever way he walked. I collect myself in women's clothing. Then I realize I forgot the socks and mill around in the pajama section until I think it's safe to go back to the socks. I got the wool ones.