I am afraid (for reasons I'm not going to get into right now) that the microwave at work is going to set the building on fire.

i lost track of what i was going to say

because i noticed my neighbors talking across the way to my other neighbors, but it was about how i want to hurt the beach boys when i have my period. the sentence was supposed to be executed in a more elegant way, but again, the neighbors, the fucking neighbors, enjoying the other neighbors! their porch is better than mine.

What did I read before I found this?

I don't remember. Only this matters now: http://www.fanfiction.net/tv/Laverne_and_Shirley/

Crybaby

me: i just paid 130 worth of tickets
bullshit!
people should be able to park as they please
and damn those cameras!
this is not freedom!
where is freedom?!
where is my freedom??!
when am i allowed to just live!!
Sent at 12:55 PM on Tuesday
Merrick: you will never just live
me: I'M TRAPPED IN MY FLESH CAGE
I HATE PAYING TICKETS

It was me!

I'm the asshole who took two big pieces of baklawa!

Do you know how many times I go to the bathroom and find my underwear is inside out?

You don't.

Y'all just don't know

The kinds of e-mails my dad sends me. I don't know if they're all forwards because he doesn't know how to type or what. A sample selection of titles I forgot to delete from my inbox:
Very Quietly Obama's Citizenship case Reaches the Supreme Court
U.S. Postal Tip (has something to do with "in god we trust")
How did Jefferson know?
The Natives Seem Restless
REAL OBAMA
California vs Arizona
This is so true!

Those weren't that cool. I deleted the other ones. I guess because I wanted to destroy them after reading.

Dream summery

I dreamed I was invited to a party for Pavement being thrown in a band member's parent's basement. It was a small party. I didn't understand why they invited me, because I don't know them, but I went anyway because...fucking Pavement invited me to their party! They said they knew me and that I had totally influenced the band, which didn't make any sense, because I was a child when that first album came out. They all thought they were failures - "We've never gotten past being a good bar band!" - but I assured them they were actually great successes. Then we played hide and go seek all over the neighbor and I think one of them had a crush on me, but I wasn't into it.

The biggest crybaby show

Cupcake Wars! It's on food network. 25 - 75% of contestants cry while they are on it, much like babies. Crying babies. Also, everyone seems to think red velvet cupcakes are a secret weapon.

I think all your food pictures are creepy.

There, I said it.

The world is my teacher

Today I learned how Dippin' Dots are made.

Life is not fair

Why couldn't Bill Cosby die instead of Richard Pryor?

Mature means

Tears for Fears doesn't make me uncomfortable anymore. Now I feel empowered.

Nobody gets to have fun

Every time I don't finish the RedEye crossword puzzle, I hate myself a little more.

So Wife Swap...

I've only been reading about season finales today and it's making me want to cry. And the lost season finale would have made me cry, but it was kind of irritating and the only character on that show that could ever bring me to tears is Ben. But they didn't concentrate on Ben enough, so it didn't happen. And did I mention I've been reading about and reliving season finales all day. Dan died. Rosanne made it up because reality was so horrible. Bob Newhart was dreaming. Klinger stayed. HOLY SHIT 6 Feet Under. Let's not talk about St. Elsewhere. I feel so detached. I don't want to finish watching Buffy. It's been my life preserver. ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE. And now I wonder, how did The Shield end?

Your dark mistress has returned

I like it when the dads cry on Wife Swap.

What does a gift horse's mouth look like?

I got 2 bagels with my Panera order, instead of one! The second was hidden under the soup container! I didn't want two though, I wanted one. If I had known about the second bagel, I wouldn't have eaten the first. Or maybe I shouldn't have eaten the first bagel on the car ride back to work. The second bagel was the better bagel.

Who am I?

I'm tired of candy for breakfast.